Solosez Disclaimers

A few months ago, the List Administrator of the Solosez mailing list sent me an e-mail gently reminding me that as a non-lawyer I was required to disclaim that status at the bottom of every message to the list.  At first I was a little taken aback and, to be honest, a little put off.  I'd been a list participant for years and never had an issue with that before.  But she was right, the rules DO require non-lawyers to disclaim their status.  So...I could be upset about it or I could have a little fun with it.  Those of you who know me already know what's coming.

The disclaimers have become rather popular.  In fact, nary a week goes by that I don't get a handful of private messages from other participants on the list telling me how much they've enjoyed this disclaimer or that.  Heck, I get more feedback on my disclaimers than I do on my actual content.  If I thought about that too much I might be upset.  So I don't.

I make up the disclaimers on the spot.  The jokes aren't all mine, at least one was borrowed from Ellen Degeneres, for example. The format of some of the disclaimers has been borrowed from Click & Clack, and a couple from Top Gear, though I've never knowingly used one of their actual sayings.

Below, by popular request, and with considerable credit to Andrea Cannavina (www.legaltypist.com) who compiled them, is a list of my disclaimers thus far.  Some of them don't make a lot of sense out of context as I often make reference to the message I just posted in the disclaimer. Hopefully that doesn't diminish your enjoyment of them.



Yes, I am still a member of the American Bar Association (#01473703).  No, I am still not an attorney. Use only as directed. Objects in mirror are closer than they appear. Your mileage may vary. Your seat cushion may be used as a flotation device. Women who are pregnant, or who may become pregnant, should not smoke. No animals were harmed in the making of this e-mail.

Nope, still not an attorney. Please consult your physician before beginning any exercise program. It is a violation of FAA regulations to tamper with, destroy or disable lavatory smoke detectors. Void where prohibited.

Still not an attorney. Ambien may cause drowsiness.

Still not an attorney. Not actual size. Driver carries no cash.

Still not an attorney. Keep out of the reach of children. Please test in an inconspicuous area before use.

Am not, and never have been, a lawyer in any state or nation (not even Bolivia). Have never played one on television, stage or screen. Was president of the Government Club in High School but am pretty sure that doesn't qualify me to practice law in any state of the union (not positive about Ohio though). Use only as directed.

I'm not an attorney. Do not take Cialis with nitrates or alpha-blockers. I'm not a doctor either. To release the seat-belt lift up on the flat metal buckle.

No purchase necessary. Oh, and still not an attorney.

The aforementioned opinion being the opinion of somebody who is not a lawyer, of course. It's also my opinion alone and not necessarily the opinion of Microsoft, the staff of NPR or Mary Lou Retton.

Enjoy Ben responsibly; know when to say when. And he's still not an attorney.

I am licensed neither as an attorney nor a professional comedian. Despite the fact that I occasionally say things that are funny and I occasionally say things that are legal. Not always the same things.

I actually *AM* a professional technologist. I have a whole bunch of initials after my name, but none of them are J.D., ESQ, M.D. or SBStJ. (so I'm not a lawyer, a medical doctor or a serving brother of the order of St. John)

I am not an author. No, wait. I *AM* an author; I'm not a lawyer. That's right. My books are for lawyers but not about law. Because I'm not a lawyer.

I am not an attorney. I am a member of USA Triathlon (Membership# available upon request). That authorizes me to swim, bike and run but not to practice law.

Much to the chagrin of my Grandma Schorr I am still not an attorney, nor a doctor, nor a rabbi.

Nope, still not an attorney. Please locate the nearest exits to your seat keeping in mind they may be behind you.

Was not an attorney and have not become an attorney in the last 15 minutes. Sort of makes me wonder what I've been doing with my time, actually.

Am not, was not and have never been an attorney. I didn't do it, nobody saw me do it and you can't prove a thing.

I'm not an attorney. Anything I've said above is just speculation and opinion and any resemblance to actual legal advice is merely coincidental. Names have been changed to protect the innocent.

I am not an attorney but am an excellent driver nonetheless.

I am not an attorney, not yet a parent, not currently a Walmart stockholder(1) and, to the best of my knowledge, none of my books are available on tape(2).

(1)Unless it happens to be held by one of my mutual funds.
(2)But if the ABA wants to do it then I'd like to suggest they get Sean Connery to record them.

I am not now, nor have I ever been, a professional photographer. Or an attorney. But my father was once. A professional photographer, I mean. He's never been an attorney either.

No, still not an attorney. Brevity is its own reward.

I'm still not an attorney. Unlike my Netbook I am not especially compact.

I'm not an attorney. I'm not a Microsoft employee. HOWEVER I *AM* a Microsoft MVP and occasionally a Microsoft contractor who occasionally gets paid to speak about their products. I *DO* support WordPerfect products as well, for a steadily shrinking number of firms.

I am not an attorney. Side-effects are generally mild.

It's June the 4th and I'm not an attorney. I predict that I will not be an attorney on June 5th either, but I'll let you know.

I am neither an attorney nor a professional model. If I were a professional model I'd probably be the "Before" picture.

I'm still not a lawyer, but I did write a book on Outlook for lawyers. Not everybody who bought it are lawyers. Hi mom.

Nope still not a lawyer. A disturbing new study has found that studies are disturbing.

I am not an attorney. Use only as directed.

One of us is probably an attorney and it's not me. You do the math.

On the weekdays I am not an attorney. On the weekends I am also not an attorney, but I am not an attorney in a somewhat more leisurely manner.

There's a list of things that I am: Eagle Scout, Triathlete, pretty good driver, arguably a decent cook. Lawyer is not one of those things.

Not a lawyer and not a veteran. But I am a volunteer crewmember aboard USS Missouri (BB-63) and have many friends and family members who have served in the military.

I am an author, I'm not a lawyer. I'm not a pilot either but I think I'm just a few frequent flyer miles away from it.

I'm still an ABA Member and still not an attorney. Your mileage may vary.

I am still not an attorney and still don't plan to become one. If you are seated in an emergency exit row you may be asked to assist the crew in case of an emergency.

I have still never been an attorney. Whether I am a runner is arguable.

I am not now, nor have I ever been, an attorney. Nor have I played one on any of the aforementioned television networks.

FWIW, While I'm using Firefox I am not an attorney. For that matter, I'm not an attorney when I use IE7, IE8, Chrome, Safari or Opera either. I suppose I might be an attorney if I were to use Galeon, but I doubt it.

I am not now, nor have I ever been, an attorney. Not even during that weekend in college that we don't talk about.

I am not a lawyer, nor a rapper, nor a flight attendant. Word to your pilot.

I am not an attorney, not Italian and not a professional chef. Though I do make a pretty good Baked Ziti.

No, I have not become an attorney in the last few hours and I have no financial interest in LowestHosting.com, Google.com or the Broadway production of "Cats". I think I still own a few shares of FedEx, if that matters.

I am not an attorney. Not even in the movies.

I am not an attorney, a Marvelette, a Spinner, a Vandella or a Pip.

Ahem, I'm not a lawyer.

I'm not an attorney. Your seat cushion may be used as a flotation device.

Still not an attorney. I do, however, know a few things about Microsoft Outlook.

Not an attorney, but I did once watch 7 consecutive episodes of "Law and Order".

I did not become an attorney over the weekend, so I guess I'm still not an attorney. I am, however, taller, better looking and more successful than my high school classmates remember.

I'm not an attorney. I do own a leash which my Maltese views with a mixture of excitement and contempt

I am neither an attorney nor a professional firefighter. As a Caucasian in Hawaii I am arguably a minority. This is merely an anecdote and not a scientific study or survey. Names have been changed to protect the firefighter.

Not a lawyer even when I respond from my phone.

It's Wednesday in Hawaii and I have not become a lawyer since yesterday. I probably won't tomorrow either, but check in with me just in case.

No, not really. I don't believe I have any children, yet, and I think I would notice some short people wandering around my house. I did however see "The Wiz" twice. Oh, and I'm still not a lawyer.

I am not an attorney. Please enjoy Ben responsibly. Know when to say when.

I'm not a lawyer, I do have two monitors, I don't have any financial interest in MaxiVista, I do occasionally run Vista and I have often been described as being fairly maxi...of course that was 20 pounds ago.

I am neither a lawyer nor a spouse. I used to be a spouse. I've never been a lawyer. My former spouse and I used a lawyer to become spouses but did not use a lawyer when we stopped being spouses. My former spouse is also not a lawyer. My former lawyer is, last I checked, still a spouse.

Nope, still not a lawyer. Your mileage may vary.

I'm not an attorney, or a printer, or a scanner, or a copier, or a fax.

1.0.0.127.in-addr.arpa notanattorney.me (The geeks in the crowd just chuckled)

I am not an attorney, but I do take computer security fairly seriously. Especially when posting from my office on a battleship. (yes, really)

Still not an attorney and not a significant source of Vitamin D.

I've never been an attorney. Please no running on deck.

I am neither an attorney, nor a father (yet). I am, however, also doing well.

The streak continues! 14,656 consecutive days of not being a lawyer.

I am not an attorney. I do work with Microsoft and, on occasion, for Microsoft. This is not one of those occasions.

No, still not a lawyer. Go fish.

I am not an attorney. No animals were harmed in the making of this message.

I am not an attorney. Not actual size.

I am not a lawyer and I've been out of beta a lot longer than Gmail has. I am, however, considering changing my name to GBen...since adding a G in front of something apparently makes it successful. Were I truly daring I would simply add an "i".

I am not a lawyer. I did serve time in both public and private schools.

I'm not a lawyer in Hawaii, or Indiana, or Illinois. In fact, pick a state and I'm probably not a lawyer in it.

I'm not a lawyer, a Jurist Doctor or a Juris Doctor.

I am not an attorney though many of my clients are. Guilt by association?

I am not a lawyer and have no recollection of ever being at the corner of Well and North before, Senator.

I am not a lawyer. I am an ABA Member. Objects in mirror are closer than they appear.

I am not a lawyer. I'm also no longer married, but that's not because we did a secular beach wedding instead of a stuffy church wedding. My ex-wife is not a lawyer either.

I am not a lawyer. If I'm playing a musical instrument it's the audience that would be weeping.

I am not a lawyer. There will be a $200 environmental charge assessed for smoking in the room.

I'm not a lawyer. Though I'm often in the company of lawyers.

I am not a lawyer, nor a Dell stockholder.

I'm still not a lawyer, nor am I a mesh.

I am still not a lawyer, however I am finally back home in Hawaii. At least for a week. Home in Hawaii for a week, I mean. I'll won't be a lawyer for much longer than a week.

I am still not a lawyer. Use only as directed.

I am not an attorney and arguably not an assistant. I often hang out on battleships (one in particular) where I try not to laugh out loud at some of the things I hear people (usually fathers) tell other people (usually sons or wives) about our ship.

I've still never been an attorney, but I've spent most of the last 20 years helping lawyers with e-mail and messaging problems. Did I mention I wrote a book on Outlook? </shameless plug>

I have still never been an attorney. My systems are backed up daily.

No, I'm not an attorney but I am a frequent Craigslist seller (old furniture mostly).

I'm not a lawyer. If you're reading this you probably are a lawyer. I'm just saying.

I am still not an attorney. Yesterday I sent a fax for the first time in months. And yes, it was a PDF.

I am not a lawyer but I am an ABA member. 8:30AM Chicago time is 3:30AM Hawaii time. That could produce interesting results.

It's a bird! It's a plane! No....it's a bird. And I'm still not a lawyer.

Am I a lawyer? No. There are 10 kinds of people in the world; those who understand binary math and those who don't.

It's a new day. The sun is up, the clouds are few, the sky is blue, the waters are clean and refreshing. And I've still never been a lawyer.

Nope, still not an attorney. If at first you don't succeed....skydiving is not for you.

I'm not a lawyer. Groucho wasn't a lawyer either. Just as well since "Warner v. Marx" was mostly just a publicity stunt advanced by the Marx Brothers themselves. But it's funny anyhow.

Although I am heading to Chicago for the ABA Annual conference today I am still not a lawyer. My kind of town, Chicago is.

I'm not a lawyer. It is a federal offense to damage, disable or destroy the lavatory smoke detectors.

Not a lawyer. Not even from my Windows Mobile 6.1 phone.

No, still not a lawyer. If the enemy is in range, you probably are too.

I am not an attorney and I do not have a J.D. I do have a cousin who is an attorney and another cousin who is named "J.D." But unless I misunderstand the principle involved I'm fairly sure that doesn't qualify me to practice law in any state of the union. Though I'll have to double-check Kansas.

I'm still not a lawyer. Not even in the Las Vegas Airport. Come on 7!

You're so vain, you probably think this disclaimer is about you. It's not. It's about me. And no, I've still never been an attorney.

I am still not a lawyer even though I am now in Chicago and surrounded by lawyers. No guilt by association.

I am not your lawyer. I am not his lawyer. I am not even my lawyer. Just generally not a lawyer.

I've still never been a lawyer. According to Carrie I'm a really good thing.

I am still not a lawyer. Even though I have just come back from a conference full of lawyers. That wasn't a billable trip. Unfortunately.

No, still not an attorney. Yeah, still living in Hawaii.

I am still not an attorney. I am however a runner; albeit one who doesn't have a lot of experience with sports bras.

I'm not a lawyer. But I am a technology professional who helps law firms back up their data daily.

Even though every time I say it, Governor Mark Sanford grabs his hiking boots and his passport, I've still never been an attorney.

Even though COTE longs for a good political debate whenever I say it, I've still never been a lawyer.

Even though Rush Limbaugh starts to think "You know, that Obama has some pretty good ideas." whenever he hears me say it, I'm still not a lawyer.

Even though Michael Schumacher comes out of retirement when he hears me say it, I am still not a lawyer.

Even though Facebook users scurry off to take the "Which 'Smokey and the Bandit Part 3' Character Are You" quiz whenever they hear me say it, I am still not a lawyer.

Even though Tiger Woods slices into the trees whenever he hears me say it, I am still not an attorney.

In the words of Wilford Brimley "I get paid to be suspicious when I got nothing to be suspicious about." And I have still never been an attorney.

Even though Barack Obama offers to buy me a beer whenever I say it, I've still never been an attorney.

Don't use your mobile device in the shower or swimming pool. And I've still never been a lawyer.

I am still not a lawyer but I am the owner of a number of different custom domains where I can be reached including...rolandschorr.com

Even though Gordon Ramsey has a sudden craving for Taco Bell whenever he hears me say it, I've still never been a lawyer.

Even though Brett Favre decides to retire for good, probably, whenever he hears me say it, I am still not an attorney.

Even though Vince Lombardi yells "Punt team!" every time he hears me say it, I'm still not a lawyer.

Even though Ruth Bader Ginsburg tweets about considering retirement whenever I say it, I have still never been a lawyer.

Even though Richard Susskind sends me a bill for the time he spent reading my post whenever I say it, I'm still not a lawyer.

Even though I'm not an attorney, I am the author of the forthcoming ABA Book "The Lawyer's Guide to Microsoft Word 2007"

I am not an attorney, however I will have to hire one soon to start going after people who use custom and/or humorous disclaimers. Patent pending.

Some say, he's not an attorney and that his new disclaimer sounds suspiciously like an introduction of The Stig from "Top Gear".

Perhaps I should patent water that isn't blue. You know, custom water. I'm not an attorney, I'm just sayin'....

No, still not a lawyer. Objects in mirror may be closer than they appear.

I'm not an attorney, but my firm retains a couple of attorneys and they both work for firms with personalized domains. Your mileage may vary.

Though I am typing this on one of my many PCs, I do actually own a Mac too. Computers are just a toolbox, folks, use the tool that best helps you do the job. And I'm not a lawyer.

Even though Rick Porcello pitches me way inside every time I say it, I've still never been a lawyer.

I am not a lawyer and my books have very little to do with wine. However, they are arguably better reads if you've had some wine first.

Even though the Philadelphia Eagles call Maurice Clarett's agent every time I say it, I've still never been an attorney.

I am not an attorney but I am a technology professional. Use only as directed.

Even though Susan Boyle has a debilitating coughing fit whenever I say it, I'm still not a lawyer.

I am neither an attorney nor Ross Kodner. Ross Kodner is both an attorney and Ross Kodner.

I'm still not an attorney, but I am the author of an upcoming book from the ABA on Microsoft Word 2007. (he says, shamelessly self-promoting)

I am not an attorney or fishmonger. You cannot buy tires from me and you definitely don't want me altering your suits. I'm an information guy. That I can help you with.

I'm not an attorney and I don't design letterhead for attorneys. I do design information systems for attorneys. And accountants. And architects.

I'm not an attorney but my attorneys are.

Even though Stephen Hawking shakes his head and shrugs whenever he hears me say it, I am still not a lawyer.

Did I mention we're not a law firm and I'm not a lawyer? O.K., good.

Despite a rumor that may have circulated recently...I'm still not an attorney and I am not the father of any of Angelina Jolie's children. (thanks for asking, though!)

I'm still not an attorney. My office can blow up your office. (Yes, I'm on my battleship this morning)

Even though Usain Bolt calls out "Hey, wait up!" whenever I say it, I've still never been a lawyer.

Even though Dan Brown gets an idea for a new book where a sort of geeky professor type teams up with a sort of hot foreign girl to unravel a series of cryptic clues and save the world from a massive conspiracy that may or may not involve the Pope whenever I say it...I'm still not a lawyer.

You might doubt my continued existence, but you shouldn't doubt that I'm not a lawyer.

Even though Janet Napolitano considers changing the Terror Threat Advisory color to "Burnt Sienna" every time I say it, I have still never been a lawyer.

Even though Juan Valdez books an emergency flight to Hawaii for himself and his burro whenever I say it, I am still not a lawyer.

Even though ██████████████ whenever I say it, I am not a lawyer. (after a post about redaction)

Even though Dick Cheney says "You know, we might have made a mistake or two." whenever I say it, I'm still not a lawyer.

My name is confusingly similar too. But like Timeslips I am not owned by Lexis. And like Stephen Hawking I am not a lawyer.

Even though Manny Ramirez squares up to bunt every time he hears me say it, I'm still not a lawyer.

Even though Robert Scoble logs out of his FriendFeed account whenever I say it, I've still never been a lawyer.

Even though Clarence Thomas thinks about actually asking a question in court whenever he hears me say it, I've still never been a lawyer.

Even though Bill Clinton flies to Seattle to try and secure the safe release of Matt Hasselbeck whenever I say it, I've still never been a lawyer.

Even though Angela Merkel tells George W. Bush "A little lower and to the left" whenever I say it, I've still never been a lawyer.

Even though George Harrison's guitar starts openly sobbing whenever I say it, I've still never been a lawyer.

No tweets, twits, twoots or...well, nobody was harmed in the making of this e-mail. And I'm still not a lawyer.

These are not the droids you're looking for. And I'm not a lawyer. He can go about his business.

Even though Tom de-friends me on MySpace whenever I say it, I'm still not a lawyer.

I am an ABA Member. I'm not the COTE. I'm not a lawyer. I'm not the walrus. Goo goo ga joob.

Based on a true story. Names have been changed to protect the innocent. I am not a lawyer.

Just being devil's advocate. Even though I'm not a lawyer. Devil isn't a bad client, but he's a tad slow to pay. Does that make me a creditor? Oh dear.

Even though the San Diego Chargers manage to put absolutely no pressure on the quarterback and allow yet another team to drive down the field and beat them in the final seconds of yet another game whenever I say it, I'm still not a lawyer.

Even though Andy Roddick cancels his Twitter account whenever I say it, I'm still not a lawyer.

Even though Clippy the Office Assistant says "It looks like you're restating the obvious, would you like help with that?" every time I say it, I've still never been a lawyer.

Even though Oliver Stone says I'm just being paranoid whenever I say it, I've still never been a lawyer.

This message was sent on recycled electrons. And I'm not an attorney.

By now you probably remember that I'm not a lawyer. If you didn't...well, you can probably look it up somewhere.

No cats or people with more time than interesting conversation on their hands were harmed in the making of this e-mail. Hawaii is beautiful. I am fine. And still not a lawyer.

Even though Serena Williams slices a backhand into the stands whenever I say it, I've still never been an attorney.


I will probably make a feeble attempt to update this list from time to time.  No guarantees.  And I'm still not a lawyer.